


Where I Belong

by AmberGreen309 (orphan_account)



Series: Akashi Just Wants a Hug [2]
Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Depression, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-12
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-09 00:27:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11093094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/AmberGreen309
Summary: I hate being called "strong"I'm not "strong," okay?If I was so "strong," I would have never cut myself.I would have never attempted suicide.I would have never started this stupid self destruction cycle.





	Where I Belong

Strong. It was a word that Akashi had been called his whole life and he loathed it. He was first told he was strong by his mother. She would praise him and call him her strong and brave young boy. He would always smile and thank her. When he did, she would envelope him a tight hug and kiss him gently on the forehead. 

The next time he'd heard the word strong was when he'd come home one day from school. He had opened the door and a maid had enveloped him in a hug. She had started sobbing into his shoulder. She told him that he had to stay strong. Everything was going to be okay if he just stayed _strong_. When she finally let go, he learned the news.

His mother had died.

He felt his heart drop and a numbness spread through his body. He was never going to see her kind smile and soft eyes. He would never get to experience the warmth of her hugs and her gentle words of praise. And yet, even with this knowledge Akashi didn't shed a tear. 

At the funeral, the two Akashis sat side by side, completely silent. Even when they brought her down, wearing white. Neither cried when she was buried and afterwards, they were praised for being so strong. Both Akashis simply nodded solemnly.

The next day Akashi went back to school and was told that if it became too much, he could go home. Akashi was soon known as the strong boy who'd lost his mother. Every time he heard that word, the numbness would spread further in his body. The word no longer held the same warmth it had when his mother spoke it. It felt hollow, empty. Meaningless.

To distract himself from his thoughts and that word, Akashi kept playing the sport his mother had loved. He became strong in the sport basketball and was praised once more for it. He took over the position of captain because he was _strong_.

It was around this time when Akashi first heard him. He'd just been sitting on his bed, talking to himself about his mother so that he would not forget her memory. He'd asked a question, one he could no longer remember. When he'd gotten an answer, he'd been shocked. He soon learned that the voice's name was Bokushi. It sometimes whispered gentle words of encouragement, or soft words of comfort. He soon became Akashi's best and only friend in the lonely world he was stuck in.

But with every win the Generation of Miracles collected, Bokushi grew more impatient. His sweet words of comfort turned into poison and his gentle words of encouragement turned into those of harsh critic. He pointed out every flaw Akashi had and told him he was never good enough - would never be good enough. Akashi was constantly fighting Bokushi back, trying desperately to remain in control. He was scared of what Bokushi would do if he were to ever gain control.

But than, Murasakibara broke his control. He was so scared of them leaving him behind, that all his deepest fears would become true one day. Bokushi had told him that he could save him. That he could be strong for both of them. Akashi relinquished control without anymore resistance.

He soon realized what a grave mistake that had been.

Bokushi was ruthless. He made it his priority to win and he would stop at nothing to gain victory. He destroyed their enemies and left nothing behind but shells of what they used to be. He crushed Akashi's former teammates and all Akashi could do was watch helplessly as it happened. He watched as Bokushi destroyed Kuroko's dreams, crushed Aomine's love for basketball and demolished any and all teamwork Teiko created.

While all this happened, Akashi was stuck in the back of his mind, desperately trying to reason with Bokushi. Even though he destroyed Teiko's basketball team, he was praised for being such a strong captain.  _Stop. Stop. I'm not strong. I'm not, I'm not! Stop it. You're only encouraging him!!_ Akashi tried to yell, but no one heard him.

When he went to Rakuzan, he had hoped that maybe, just  _maybe_ Bokushi would relinquish control. It didn't happen of course. When he'd asked, Bokushi had simply laughed in his face, telling him that he simply wasn't strong enough to be the one controlling their body.

After he'd heard that, Akashi didn't bother asking again for he knew that Bokushi was right. He was not strong. He never had been.

Than the Winter Cup happened. Bokushi had been so comfortable, so used to winning, that the mere thought of losing broke him. The tables were now turned and Kuroko was the one to break Bokushi. Akashi had seen his chance to regain control and he took it. Bokushi reluctantly gave it to him, and made him promise to win. But Akashi failed. He lost to Kuroko and that day, he lost more than just a basketball game. He'd lost Bokushi's trust and in turn, lost his only friend.

He was along once more.

What Akashi wasn't expecting, was the huge workload. That wasn't even the worst part. Even though Bokushi was the one who took the past two years of education, he refused to help. Heck, he even refused to talk to Akashi. His father noticed his dropped performance and he was furious. He hired tutors to teach Akashi and slowly, Akashi regained all his knowledge. By the time it was summer, Akashi was fully educated.

What he wasn't expecting that summer though, was the phone call. He was surprised to see that Midorima was calling him, asking if he wished to play some street ball with everyone. Akashi had hesitated, but than for the first time in months, Bokushi spoke to him. He encouraged him to accept the offer and Akashi did just that a bit reluctantly. 

The fun time he had with all of his former teammates was cut short when Kuroko was hurt by an American team. They all became furious and were determined to win the basketball game against Jabberwock. It wasn't easy. They all had to make sacrifices. Kise seriously worn out his body and Bokushi... Bokushi was gone.

Halfway through the game, he'd spoken with Akashi. Said that the only way for them to win was if they merged. Akashi hadn't thought it through. He hadn't thought of the consequences. They won the game but Akashi lost something that day. Something precious.

He hadn't thought that it'd be so lonely without that little voice in the back of his head. 

The day when everything went down hill happened just a few weeks after the game. He had been in Tokyo for an appointment that his father wanted him to attend. He'd been walking to the train station so he could return home when he saw them e through a coffee store window.

There sat the Generation of Miracles + Kagami sitting together at a table. They were all laughing and Akashi felt his stomach twist when he saw that everyone, including Midorima and Murasakibara were there. He hadn't gotten a call and Akashi realized that he hadn't been invited.

He had been replaced.

Tears filled his eyes and he quickly bolted. He ran as fast as he could to the train station. He had to get away. He needed to escape from that image. Imagine that it never happened. That he wasn't hated by the people he thought were his friends. He ran as fast as he could with tears streaming down his face and he ignored all the stares he received.

He ran all the way to the train station, breathing heavily and on the verge of hyperventilating. His chest felt too tight. He couldn't  _breathe_. He gasped for breath before rushing to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. He looked at himself in the mirror. His eyes were red and puffy, while his cheeks were stained with tears. He looked pathetic, miserable. Weak.

He didn't think he'd ever hated himself more than in that moment.

When he got home he locked himself in his room and ordered all the servants to leave him alone. He didn't want them to see him break completely. He didn't want them to witness their strong Young Master break down. He didn't want them to tell his father about what was happening to him. Once he was inside, he let his walls fall completely. He let out sobs and wails, no longer caring if anyone heard him.

He fell asleep cold and alone.

When he woke up the next morning, the bandages that covered his wrists were bloody and Akashi sighed. He stood up and went to the bathroom to change his bandages. He didn't want any obvious evidence about what happened last night. He grabbed his gauze and started to work. He finished and looked up and saw his reflection. God. He looked awful. He couldn't even stand looking at himself. It was too much to bear. His tired, almost empty eyes and his tear stained cheeks.

He was hideous.

As he replaced his bandages, his cuts started bleeding again. For a moment, he simply watched as his blood dripped into the sink. It was strangely satisfying for him to watch. He observed his wounds again and felt pride swell within him.

He was finally doing something right and it was beautiful.

Cutting himself soon became a daily occurrence. He loved the way the crimson blood dripped from his wrists and got washed away by the water flowing from the sink. It was like he was washing all his shame and hatred away. Of course, all good things must come to an end and Akashi's father found out. He immediately took him to a doctor who prescribed him anti-depressants. He was instructed to take two a day. 

But they only worked for a few minutes. 

A few months later Akashi's father decided to throw a small gathering for all his rich associates. Of course, Akashi had to attend. He pulled his walls up high and tight and kept his mask up. He mingled with the guests, just like he was suppose to, but he could slowly feel his walls and mask crack and crumbled each time he heard the word strong.

When someone praised him for being such a strong basketball player, he broke. 

He quickly excused himself and walked as quickly as possible to his room. Once he was inside, he fell against the door, tears running down his face. He was drowning. Drowning in a sea of blood and he couldn't escape. His only salvation were those tiny white pills and his blade that marked his pale skin. They acted as small breaths for him. They pulled him up out of the sea of blood and allowed him to take a breath. He wanted to _breathe_. He needed to _breathe_. He wanted this weight lifted off his lungs and so he could just _breathe_.

He got up and stumbled to his bathroom. He needed.... He needed help. He grabbed the bottle of pills and poured them into his hand. If he took them all at once, he would finally be able to take a breath, right? Without another moments hesitation, he ate them all. He swayed on his feet and he fell to the ground. As he lay there, the darkness threatening to rob him of his vision, he smiled. He could finally breathe. He'd finally done something right. He would finally have true freedom. Vaguely, he could hear frantic footsteps heading his way, but he didn't care. 

As his body numbed and his vision faded, he saw his mother reach out to him. His eyes widened and tears of joy swelled up in his eyes. He grabbed her hand without hesitation and she pulled him into a hug. He buried his head in her chest and breathed in her scent.

_Yes. This is where I belong._


End file.
